5.  Pest of the West-  This episode is just awful all around, and there is a reason why Atlantis Squarepantis and Dunces and Dragons and Where’s Gary are shown all the time while Pest of the West stays locked in the vault.  The story is awful and the dialogue is offensive.  I haven’t seen it in a while, but I remember being really turned off by the constant use of the word “stupid” and how SB constantly offended Patrick.  The lessons on how to treat friends in this episode are horrible, and thankly, second chances at viewing it are few and far between.  EVERYONE should avoid this episode, not just the 6-12 year old crowd

4.  Bubble Buddy-  This episode features Spongebob as a killer.  He buries some poor guy up to his neck in the sand during high tide, and at the end of the episode, we see the dead fish’s angel going up to Heaven.  I mean, this is just wrong

3.  Frankendoodle-  Just like cartoons and shows that show monsters lurking in the closet and under the bed, striking fear into the heart of young children, this episode is just plain scary.  And kids these days already don’t want to do  anything creative or artistic.  All they want to do is veg and play video games and watch TV.  So this episode, which features an innocent drawing turned into a blood thirsty monster look to erase Spongebob,  may be too much for children to handle.  The last thing we need is children afraid to even pick up a pencil

2.  #1 Fan- Mr Krabs digging up a corpse just to get a hat back.  Not only do we have grave robbing in this episode, we have zombie fish erupting from the ground and assaulting Mr Krabs.  As a child, there was nothing scarier that the walking dead.  After seeing the Thriller video, my insides knotted up every time we would pass a cemetery in the car, and I could just imagine the rotting corpses erupting from the dirt to hunt me down.  Now, this episode is not as bad as Thriller but still… grave robbing, zombie fish… not a good episode for children

1.  And finally, the most inappropriate SB episode for children… Nasty Patty.  Could there be any other?  I mean, Krabs and SB spend the entire episode trying to bury the health inspector, whom they think they killed.  Just awful.  Don’t get me wrong, its a good episode… if your fourteen or over.  But for the youngest viewers, it is nightmare inducing.

Let me know what you think below.  And don’t forget to check out my other Top 5 SB lists

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5.  Pets or Pests- Spongebob and Patrick discover a worm while playing.  Worm gives birth, chased off by Gary, leaving SB with a half a dozen baby worms.  They basically spend the entire episode squirting fluids into the character’s faces.  Quite disgusting.

4.  Ghost host- The Flying Dutchman finds that he is no longer scary, and Spongebob helps him get his horror back.  This episode contains many gruesome scenes as The Dutchman practices his technique.  Eyeballs melting and creepy baby heads and spiders abound, and man, it is hard to watch.  i wonder how kids under 10 handle watching some of these scenes

3.  Ick-  Spongebob gets a disease that causes him to grow a green, algae substance.  Not too bad until the end, but when it gets gross, it gets gross.  He comes to work, all swollen, and his pores start shooting green goo all over everyone.  the sounds alone make you queasy

2.  Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV- What, you may ask, is disgusting about this episode?  How about when SB is using the utility belt on a shrunken Squidward.  he sets him on fire, and for god’s sakes, cuts him in half with a scissor!  Its a short part of the episode, but bizarre and disgusting nonetheless.

1.  Squidbob Tentaclepants-  obviously the most disgusting SB episode.  The middle of the episode is not too bad, but in the beginning, when the two of them find themselves combined in the baby wrap and on the other planet and in the teacher’s gift box, the mixture of SB and Squidward is pretty gross.  And at the end of the episode, when everyone in Bikini Bottom has been melded together in one big seething mass… I mean, that is sick So that’s that. 

Next week, top 5 disturbing SB episodes.  Keep your eyes open. And as always, any comments are appreciated.  Let me know what I left out

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Most of them are from the first season or two, and while I have recently complained that the newer episodes have been poor, the very old episodes aren’t great, either. Like most other cartoons (ie Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama), the earliest episodes tend to be, well… primitive, experimental. Because the characters, and the series itself, haven’t reached their stride yet.

Anyway, here is the list:
10. Suds- Spongebob gets sick
9. Patty Hype- Spongebob creates colored patties
8. Valentines Day- Spongebob has a special gift for Patrick
7. The Paper- Spongebob entertains himself with a piece of paper (and we see the original Squidward puppet)
6. Help wanted- First episode
5. SB-129- Squaidward travels through time
4. Campine Episode
3. Ripped Pants
2. FUN- first Plankton
1. Pizza Delivery

While these are certainly classic episodes, most of them are not greatepisodes.  Suds is entertaining, and the Camping Episode is hysterical, but none of them are the best. 

Where is Band Geeks?  Where is Fry Cook Games?  Where is Neptune’s Spatula?  Where is Rock Bottom, one of the best older Spongebob episodes?

While all of the episodes are certainly enjoyable, I wouldn;t put any of hem into my top ten.  What are your thoughts?

Look through my Spongebob category and find some of my favorite top five lists.

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5.  Flats-  New kid at school, chooses to beat SB up for no reason.  SB spends the entire episode trying to make friends with Flats, but to no avail.  Even Flats’ father is afraid of him, telling SB “Now he is going to kick MY butt!”  None of the adults, including Mrs. Puff comes to BB aid (Puff tries, but nothing comes of it).  In the end, Flats tries to kick SB’s butt, but because he is a sponge, he doesn’t feel a thing, and at the end of the episode, Flats collapses from exhaustion.  And SB gets yelled at by Puff for hitting the new kid.  The irony!

4.  The Strangler- Great episode.  SB squeals on the Strangler for littering.  The police cuff him, but he escapes, and when SB asks for help, they tell him they are not babysitters.  SB hires the Strangler, wearing a moustache as a disguise, to protect him.  And hilarity ensues.  The best part is when SB’s spiked shoes become stuck in the Strangler’s  eyeballs.  Great stuff.  In the end, the Strangler tries to run from SB because he can not take it anymore, and he ends up safely behind bars.  With Patrick

3.  Black Jack- SB’s cousin is released from jail, terrifying SB.  The entire episode is a pseudo horror-like story, with all of the clues left for SB intimating that Black Jack is going to beat up SB, like he did in the old days.  Great flashback tot he good old days when Black Jack beats up SB.  Very violent.  Spooky episode. In the end, SB is ready to confront Black Jack and take his beating, and we see that Black Jack only comes up to SB ankle.

2.  EVIL- This had to make my list because I am a comic book guy.  Only really good Mermaid Man episode.  Barnacle Boy joins Man Ray and The Dirty Bubble on their quest to cause mayhem.  SB and his pals join Mermaid Man to stop them.  Squidward, SB, Patrick and Sandy all don silly costumes which is what gives them their powers.  A wonderfully funny battle ensues.  Highly entertaining

1.  King Neptune- One of my favorite SB episodes.  SB does battle with King Neptune over who can make the best burger.  Full of great gags.  Patrick getting reduced to a pile of ash while negotiating the terms of battle with Neptune.  SB lovingly making a single patty while Neptune uses the creatures of the sea to make hundred.  Neptune regurgitating SB’s perfect patty.  The entire encounter at the museum, where SB releases the magic spatula.  And of course, seeing SB decked out like a god.  And Patrick’s face on his butt.

Excellent episode, can watch it over and over again.

Next:  Best sport-themed episodes.

And again, give me your ideas for what top 5 lists you want to see

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5.  Snail Race-  Not direct competition or battle, but entertaining.  Snelly, Squidward’s purebred snail, forfeits her chance to win the snail race to comfort a broken-down Gary.  Both Squidward and SB’s snails lose to Patrick’s pet rock.  Bets part of the episode is Sandy kicking SB’s butt at the end for something he said at the beginning of the episode. 

4.  The episode where SB and Patrick shrink themselves to remove the reed from Squidward’s throat.  Again, not direct competition, but close enough.  Squidward’s expression when he learns that SB and Patrick are inside of him is priceless.  Watching SB and Patrick go crazy inside Spongebob is good for a couple of laughs.  The bets is the end, when we see Squidward at work with the expanded sub inside of him and Patrick intimating that he will go to the bathroom inside of him.

3.  Employee of the Month- Funny for the simple string of sight gabs when SB and Squidward are racing each other at the end of the episode to get to work before the other.  This is when SB is at it’s best, a series of back and forth events between characters, much like the Sand castle and Battle of Bikini Bottom episodes.  Watching SB and Squidward trip each other up for several minutes is worth the time spent watching the entire episode

2.  Squidwood- Squidward won’t play with SB, so SB makes a doll of Squidward that does everything he does, but better.  He treats customers better and dances better, and watching Squidward try to compete with a puppet attached to SB’s hand is great.  At one point, Squidward makes a joke to a couple of customers about a KrabbyPatty and a Krabby Patty, trying to make them seem different by emphasizing the words differently.  The customers don’t find this funny, but when the puppet does the same joke, the customers laugh uproariously.  The puppet is even given a $300 tip.  Great stuff.  Not a direct competition, but since Squidwood is an extension of SB, it fits.

Runners up: Mr. Wa Zit Toya- SB and Squidward compete to discover a mystery customer’s name.  When Squidward asks the customer, the man yells: “Wa Zit Toya”, and we all assume he is being rude.  But at the end, we learn that this is, indeed his name, and Squidward winds up in jail for assault. 

1.  April Fool’s Day- It doesn’t get better than this.  Again, the visual gag is the bets part of the episode.  After Squidwrad is embarrassed by SB and Mr Krabs, who pretend to be art critics interested in Squidward’s art, Squidward retaliates with a cruel trap at work that involves slamming SB into a wall, sliding him under a fat fish’s butt, and ends up with a dejected SB in a trash can.  The forty seconds of this is enough to make this the best SB vs Squidward episode, but the rest of the episode, which mostly involves Squidward trying to apologize without actually apologizing, is great.  I can watch this episode over and over again.  Between you and me, I think SB got what he deserved- his joke on poor Squidward was not nice.

Stay tuned for my next top 5: Best SB vs villains

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My original intention for this blog was to explore fatherhood, sports, politics and technology, with a little Spongebob thrown in on the side.  Imagine my surprise when i found that more than half of my hits were for my Spongebob columns  Well, if that is what people wants, then that’s what they’ll get!

Now, I do not consider myself a Spongebob expert.  I will never write a Spongebob encyclopedia.  But I have a television at work, and I watch Spongebob whenever I can.  And I have digital cable at home, and a DVR, so I watch Spongebob often.

Anyway, every 2-3 days, at least until my next kid is born in a month, I will put up a different top 5 list.  No summaries or reviews, just a short, simple explanation of why the episode fits into the top five of that category.

On to today’s list: Top 5 Spongebob vs Patrick episodes!  In no particular order, except for #1, which will be my favorite

5.  Sand Castles in the Sand- One of the newer episodes, one of the better newer episodes, this episode focuses on SB and Patrick battling for supremacy of the beach using sand castles and sand creations.  Good episode purely because of the creativity used on both sides of the battle, castles and catapults to flying robots to fighter jets.  Enjoyable from beginning to end

4.  Battle of Bikini Bottom-  Another fun episode simply because of the back and forth between SB  and Patrick and the escalation of the attacks.  SB gives flosses Patrick’s teeth and gives him a manicure. Patrick wears Krabby Patty meat on his feet as socks.  A top notch episode, made even funnier by the guys doing the re-enactment of the Battle of Bikini Bottom and their response to Patrick after he explains to SB what the battle was about.

3.  New Student Starfish- Patrick joins SB at boating school because he has nothing else better to do that day.  His  disruptive behavior causes SB to lose a good noodle star and forces him to the back of the classroom.  A battle ensues between SB and Patrick, but they mend their differences when the life of an unborn chicken (yes, an egg) hangs in the balance.  The light bulb in the incubator blows out, and SB must keep the egg warm while Patrick finds a new light bulb.  It is hilarious to see Patrick scaling a mountain of light bulbs, at one point in mountain climbing gear, to unscrew the light bulb in the ceiling.  Still trying to figure out why a boating school is incubating an egg

2.  Patrick tries to win a trophy-  Patrick is jealous of all of SB’s trophies, so he starts copying everything SB does in hopes of winning something.  He dresses like him, acts like him, even tries to speak like him.  At one point, SB places a hand on a hot stove to see if Patrick will copy him.  of course he does.  SB reveals that he was using a fake hand, but Patrick burns himself.  In the end, Patrick wins an award for doing nothing better than anyone else.  Funny scene where SB tries to teach Patrick how to screw a lid on a jar

1.  And the best Sb vs. Patrick episode is easily the Frycook games.  This one has it all, SB vs Patrick, Krabs vs Plankton, and various funny parts.  It is hysterical when someone does a pole vault over a vat of boiling oil, sending the oil flying into the crowd.  The crowd is instantly turned into fish sticks, and a vendor appears in front of that section with a sign that reads “Fishsticks $1.00″.  And then  ether is the part where Plankton is announcing his frycook, and a humongous fish crashes into the arena with Patrick strapped to his back.  And then of course there is the end, when SB and Patrick are wrestling, all buff and mean, and eventually they both split their shorts, revealing underwear that is the other’s skin color.  But the bets is the very end, when they leave together holding hands, and Patrick says that his underwear, now yellow, used to be white

So there is it, the top 5 Spongbob vs Patrick episodes.  Let me know your thoughts on this list, and let me know any lists you would like to see

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5.  Dunces and Dragons- I know, its not fair to put a 1/2 movie on the list, but being a Dungeons and Dragons fan, it holds a special palce in my heart.  Entertaining from beginning to end, especially the battle with Sandy, this is a wonderful episode

4. Sunction Cup Symphony-  Why this one?  Because this episode epitomizes the idea that Spongebob is written for adults.  Aside from being fun, there is a moment where SB slaps on a latex glove and pokes at something off-screen, and we hear Patrick yelp.  Obviously a prostate exam reference.  At the end of the episode, during the symphony, we learn that this is not the case, but just the intimation is enough

3.  Shanghaied- Spongbob and Ptrick are crew members on the Flying Dutchman’s boat.  Hilarity ensues.  At one point, a small fish exclaims to the Flying Dutchman: “They’re dorks.”  And the Dutchman’s response:  “Yes, but they’re my dorks.”

2.  Planton’s Army- How many twist ending do you get in Spongebob?  I lvoe seeign Plankton’s idea of what his family will look like, and then his reaction when confronted by hundreds of hillbillies.  Classic

1.  Band Geeks- The best episode of Spongebob ever.  Spongebob exclaims that the fish they are about to perform for look a little weird, and Patrick explaims, Maybe we’re near a toxic waste dump.  The best part of the episode is the song, and what makes it even more special for me is that, when the Phillies won the world series last year, before they even played “We are the Champions” by Queen, they played that song, Sweet Victory (you could only hear it at the stadium.  It was awesome).  “The winner takes allll!  It’s the thrill of one more kill!!!”

Of course, there are dozens of excellent episodes, just like there are dozens of god-awful episodes, but these are my favorite.  Let me know what your favorit episodes are in the comments section

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